vanimadin | Yesterday

Yesterday features characters from an old RP I was in, and is actually a sequel to No Tomorrow, which etcetera-cat wrote for me for my birthday a few years back. I loved it to bits and pieces, and this sequel kind of jumped out to me, so I sat down and wrote it. ♥

The Shifted Silver RP took place in a future/au timeline where Companions are no longer necessarily all white and new and unusual Gifts are cropping up all around Valdemar.

Title: Yesterday
Fandom: Heralds of Valdemar
Author:

senashenta
Rating: K+
Genre: Fantasy, Tragedy
Characters: Herald Teegan Donoma & Companion Mindoc, Herald Ryley Menodan & Companion Alliac, Sorret Gail and Companion Divya
Disclaimer: Valdemar and concepts belong to Mercedes Lackey; lyrics are to "Whisper" by Evanescence; Companion Alliac belongs to the lovely etcetera-cat; other original characters and this fic belong to their author.
Summary: Dreams of dying have plagued Herald Teegan all of his life, even after he was Chosen. Now he Sees his own death again, but this time it's closer than he could ever imagine. (Sequel to No Tomorrow by etcetera-cat.)

YESTERDAY
By Senashenta

Sparkle and shiver and—

Look: There is a man and he is dressed all in white and he is standing next to a white horse and the horse is a stallion and it is wearing blue tack that is covered in silver pictures and silver bells and the horse has blue eyes and there is a long cut across his face and the man has blood running down his side and there are lots of figures clad in shadows around the pair and the shadow men have swords and spears and arrows and knifes and their mouths are moving and they are closing in and the circle is tightening and the air is thick with smoke and fear and—

The man is me.

I've had this dream before.

It always makes me shiver, and now is no exception. I feel as if I've been doused with cold water, or fallen into the Terilee River in the early springtime, just after the winter ice has melted away.

When I was younger, I never understood what I Saw in my dying dreams. They were just there, lurking in the back of my mind, a strange, upside down sensation, and filled with a sapphire feeling. Now I half-understand it, at least. The white stallion is Mindoc—couldn't be anyone else—and the white uniform is Heraldic Whites.

If you had asked me when I was a child, I would have said it wasn't possible for me to be a Herald. I was a freak. A monster. By all rights, I shouldn't have existed at all—even my parents hadn't wanted me. They'd left me on the street, to live or to die, and then walked out of my life forever.

I don't remember them at all now. It was Father Talich who took me in a raised me, and it was his last name I took, when I was old enough to understand the merits of having one. When I was little, he was the only one who cared to look after me, so I spent the good part of ten years living, learning and worshiping alongside him, in one of the Haven Temples to Vkandis Sunlord.

I had no friends. I had no family outside of Father Talich.

And then Mindoc came for me... and the sapphire in my death dream suddenly made sense.

For five years after I went to school at the Heraldic Collegium, and for the first time in my life I had actual friends. I was considered normal there. No one mocked me, and no one tried to tell me I was cursed. No longer was I a monster, under lock and key and guarded against escape by a single Karsite Priest.

The taunts of my childhood were no more.

And then there was Mindoc, who cared for me and loved me, and would never leave me alone—

-
Catch me as I fall,
Say you're here and it's all over not.
-

We're on a border Circuit right now, near the outskirts of Hardorn—Herald Ryley and I.

The two of us have been partners since just after his first training Circuit, and he's one of my best friends in the world, along with Herald Sol. Still, he doesn't know about my dying dreams. The only people who know about them are Mindoc and Father Talich; Mindoc because he's a part of me, and Father Talich because I made the mistake of telling him about one. It frightened him, so I didn't mention them after that—I just pretended they had gone away.

We are going on halfway through our Circuit, and just about at the turning-around point. Our last stop is Crescent Lake, and then we're heading back toward Haven. Ryley's Companion, Alliac, is already making longing comments about the grains they serve back at Companion's Field.

Truth to tell, I'm enjoying being away from the city. The air is fresher out here.

:Haven's air is fine, especially around the Collegium.: Mindoc reminds me, :we Companions insist on good air quality. You're just thinking up excuses because you don't want to admit that you dislike people in general.:

:I always feel like they're staring.:

It's a throwback from my childhood, when everyone I passed in the streets stopped to stare at me—my silver and gold eyes made me easy to spot, as well as a prime target for whispered insults and bullying by the neighborhood children.

:They stare because you're a Herald, Teegan.: Mindoc says, :they stare at every Herald they see.:

He's right, of course, but I still like it better out in the countryside.

-
Speaking to the atmosphere,
No one's here and I fall into myself.
-

I like being around Ryley because he doesn't need to talk—I can be alone with my thoughts without actually being alone. He enjoys solitude as much as I do, though Alliac likes nothing more than having someone to chat with.

Mindoc is glad to have her around, since I spend so much of my time in silence.

Sometimes I feel sorry for him...

-
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away…
-

We've stopped for the night at a Waystation just outside of Crescent Lake to bed down for the night.

Ryley went off to gather firewood and I stayed behind to groom Mindoc and Alliac, and hang their tack up for the night. Both of them are tired and hungry, and hurry toward the nearby stream to drink, once I'm finished brushing them down.

So I stand by the fire pit, staring up into the sky and thinking—about Father Talich, about Mindoc, about Ryley and Sol—and wondering what my life would have been like, had I never been Chosen. The sun shines down on me from a cloudless sky, but no answer comes from the Havens above.

"I couldn't find much, but this should do for us to make something to eat. I didn't want to actually fell a tree just for one meal's worth of a fire, so..." Ryley has returned from his search for wood, a pile of sticks bundled under one arm. He watches me, watching the sky, and shakes his head; "daydreaming again?"

"It's my favorite pastime." I say softly.

He seems to shrug and busies himself with starting a fire, and I go inside the Waystation. The chill from my death dream is still with me—my soul is screaming a warning that I can't interpret—have never been able to interpret—and I just want to be alone. In time, maybe I'll figure out its message, and I can finally be happy with my life.

For now, I'll just pretend the dream never happened.

-
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep, never die…)
-

I like to sleep outside with the stars, weather permitting, and tonight it is clear and warm so I bed down next to the smoldering coals in the fire pit and let Ryley take the straw mattress inside the Station itself—not that I expect him to get much sleep.

Indeed, a few minutes after I have settled in for the night, he emerges from the Waystation, and turns his eyes toward the moon—

Ryley is a shifter, Gifted with the ability to become another being, if only temporarily, and I've seen his transformation before. Still, the shift from human to Companion is an awesome sight—and he nods to me, chestnut blaze bobbing, before breaking into a canter and heading into the trees, tail flagged, with Alliac trailing him.

She loves him in a different way than Mindoc loves me—and he loves her the same.

Their situation is a strange one, to be sure.

:You always look at him with longing, Chosen. I'm starting to wonder if you're shaych.:

:No, Mindoc.: Over the years, I've managed to get rid of the embarrassing stutter that plagued me when I was young, but mindspeech is still more comfortable for me than verbal speech; :Ryley... he's free when the moon is up. He's happy. I just envy him, that's all.:

:Do you feel trapped?: Mindoc sounds concerned, and I hear him pace over to stand over me, but I don't turn over to look at him. :Something's different about you lately, Teegan. Just over the last few days, you've started to withdraw from the world—from me. Tell me what's wrong, and maybe I can help.:

There's hesitation in my answer, but I know he needs to know; :my death dreams have come back, Mindoc.:

His response is simple and blank. :Oh.:

-
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come,
-

Mindoc can't do anything about my death dreams. He knows that, and I so do I.

Neither of us sleeps very well after my revelation, though I'm sure he rests better than I do, because my dreams are plagued by disjointed images of—

—a Companion running—

—his front right leg flashes in bay instead of white, matching his gait—

—white—

—bay—

—white—

—bay—

—white—

—somewhere, a child is crying—

—the sound rings in his ears—

—the Companion has a destination—

—the crying mingles with ringing hoof beats—

—he's almost there—

—almost there—

—almost—

The Companion in my dreams is not Mindoc, nor is it Alliac, nor is it Ryley in his Other Form. He is a Companion I don't know—but there are many who fit that description. The flashing images remain with me, though, as I rise for the day.

—white—

—bay—

—white—

—bay—

Something is coming. I can feel it.

-
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears.
-

Ryley got back some time during the night, though I didn't notice him return. He and Alliac sleep later than Mindoc and I do, but I cannot fault them for that—instead of waking them, I scrape together a simple meal from what I can find in the Waystation, and then return to the fire pit, to stare into the cold ashes.

Mindoc is wading into the stream, bending his nose down to drink.

:How did you sleep?:

:I slept. What more is there?:

:Dreams, perhaps? I thought you might have dreamt.:

:Not that I can remember.:

What I Saw in my dreamscape is unclear in my mind, but the feeling that it meant something lingers in my thoughts. What I told Mindoc wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the complete truth either. But what do you say, when your inner being is in turmoil, and you aren't yet sure why?

Better not to trouble him.

Ryley looks tired when he finally comes outside, but at the same time he looks rested. He spends every night the same way, and every morning he gives off an aura of contentment—and at the same time, he appears uncomfortable. I think he's trapped, in a way, inside his own body. He seems happier in his Other Form.

He is sitting across the fire pit from me, poking at an oat cake, when the sound of hoof beats coming down the road becomes audible and a silver-white shape comes racing over the horizon, heading straight toward the Station—

Mindoc and Alliac go to meet the other Companion.

-
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away…
-

His name is Divya, and he is looking for his Chosen.

No, not looking—he has already found her.

I listen to Mindoc's explanation, and only vaguely register what he is saying. My eyes are trained on Divya's front right leg, which is marked in bay from the knee downward, and my mind is whirling through the flashes of my dream from last night.

—white—

—bay—

—white—

Sparkle and shiver and—

Look: There is a girl and she is young and her hair is brown and her eyes are green and she is crying and there is a horse and it is white and it is trying to reach her and it can't and she is trapped and she is inside a wagon and she is afraid and there are men and they are what she is afraid of and the horse is desperate and it is screaming and the men are shouting and they have swords and spears and knives and they won't let the horse near the girl and there is nothing it can do—

Ryley waves a hand in front of my face, to catch my attention, and I jerk out of the Sight vision with a physical flinch. He is looking at me, and it's easy to see that he's puzzled. Beyond him, I can see Mindoc and Alliac, and beyond them, I can see the other Companion...

"You okay?"

I mutter an affirmative and move to meet Mindoc, who presses his nose into the front of my tunic as asks the same question; :are you alright, Chosen

Unlike Ryley, he can easily tell that I'm not, but I echo my own response anyway; "I'm fine."

Mindoc knows not to prod. :Divya needs our help. His Chosen—:

:Yes, I know.:

I don't know how I know it, but the girl we are searching for is named Sorret, and she has been kidnapped from a merchant family.

Divya leads us down the road at a full-out gallop, and I have to bend over Mindoc's neck to keep from falling off of his back. Just ahead of us, Ryley is doing the same with Alliac, and still the four of us are barely able to keep up with the other stallion as he races toward—where? We still don't know where we are going...

None of us say anything, but I can tell by the tension Mindoc is broadcasting that there is trouble ahead of us. That doesn't surprise me—because I think last night I dreamt about this. Divya feels the same as the Companion in my dream, and the bay sock on his leg makes an image flash through the back of my head—

—white—

—bay—

—white—

There is a clearing in the forest, just outside of Vietrin Fell, and we skid to a sudden stop just beyond it. It is clear from Divya's posture that this is where Sorret is—and Ryley gestures to me with one hand, pointing between the trees to where the crackling flames of a fire are visible, and smoke is rising above the canopy.

:We'll just go in and ask about the girl.: Mindoc says, :and hopefully this doesn't need to be violent.:

I don't say anything, but somehow I know better.

-
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear.
-

The two of us sit up straight and tall in the saddle, to look as commanding as we can. We are both young, but have been Heralds for some time—we have learned ways to garner respect from even the most hateful of people. Mindoc and Alliac arch their necks and try to look wise as they walk slowly but purposefully into the clearing, with Divya trailing behind them.

The men are bandits, I can tell straight away. Bandits always have a look about them that is hard to confuse with anything else. Without proof, though, we can't do anything, so Ryley and I are confined to treating them as merchants or travelers.

A wagon sits near the left side of the clearing, and I recognize it as the one from my Sight dream. There is a little girl inside. I want to dismount right away, go to it, throw the doors open, and let her out.

Instead I sit perfectly still and look around, taking stock of the situation.

One of them men near the fire stands up and approaches Ryley and Alliac, and Ryley looks down at him. Alliac is eyeing him warily, and stamps a hoof in warning, but doesn't interfere when he steps to the side and stands near her Chosen's leg. "What seems to be the problem, Herald?"

He is blocking Ryley's view of the wagon, I note, but I can't tell is it's deliberate or not. Divya is shuffling and looking around, edging toward the wagon—and then one of the other men stands and walks over to lean against the side of it, and the stallion's eyes narrow and he snorts angrily.

"We understand you have a young girl with you." Ryley says calmly, "I don't see her here. Where is she right now?"

"I beg your pardon, Herald, but we don't have any children with us—"

"What do you have in that wagon?" I ask, interrupting him before he can finish his lie.

He blinks and starts to scowl—then catches himself and glances back at it. "Just supplies, Herald, same as any you'd find with travelers."

"Then you won't mind me having a look?"

Hesitation, then; "not at all, Herald. Please, help yourself..."

-
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me,
Shall I give in?
-

He gave in too easily, but I dismount and head toward the wagon anyway. Mindoc stands with the others, keeping a watchful eye on the men by the fire, and Divya is still edging toward the wagon—he's more outward about it now that I am going, too.

The man that is leaning against the back of the wagon moves to the side as I arrive, and I reach for the latch—

And then there is an abrupt movement from the man beside me, and pain flares in my side.

Everything falls apart around us.

-
Upon my end shall I begin…
-

The knife that has been rammed into my side is scraping against my bottom rib, and the feeling steel inside me is enough to make me want to throw up—everyone around me is moving, now, but things are going so slowly that I can see everything in horrifying detail as the dagger is ripped from my flesh—

Blood sprays from the wound and gushes down my side. Something inside me is broken, I can feel it. I hear someone scream—a cry that cuts through the air and pierces ears—and that scream is coming from myself.

I fall back against the wagon and the man who stabbed me rushes forward to once again ram the knife into me, creating a new wound just below and to the left of the first. I cry out again, and blood flecks my lips—

Mindoc is shrieking, and he launches from across the clearing and flies toward us with rage in his eyes—but the man whirls around at the last second, and catches him across the face, and he falls back, shaking his head and spattering blood onto the ground to mix with my own.

And then—hoof beats—and Divya's hooves connect with the bandit's shoulder, knocking him sideways and crushing bones at the same time. The man falls, hitting the ground with a dull, wet thud, and before he can move again, Divya is on him and pounding his skull into the dirt.

I don't know how I manage it, but through the haze of pain I turn and pry the wagon door open. A shaft of light lances through the shadowed innards of it, and a surprised and frightened gasp sounds from the back corner.

"Out—" I manage to gasp, and shove the door open farther.

I can't say whether it's my Whites or just stark terror that make her do what I say, but the girl—Sorret—doesn't hesitate to clamber from the back of the wagon and jump to the ground beyond. Her feet hit the grass and she is ready to run—

—a hand grabs hold of her shoulder, and she is yanked out of her headway—

—and then Divya is there, and hits the man who has caught her head-on, at the same time as something else collides with my back and knocks me forward onto my face. The breath is knocked out of me, and blood once more drips from my mouth. I can taste it, coppery and metallic, mixed with dirt and grass.

:Teegan—!:

The weight against my back suddenly lifts, and a man shouts in surprise as he is thrown to the side. I look up to see Mindoc standing over me, teeth bared and one eye closed, slashed, bloodied, blinded—he will never see from it again, that much is certain.

"Mindoc—"

-
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet my end.
-

The knife did its job well, before its wielder was pounded into mulch. I won't survive this encounter.

Across the clearing, Ryley's sword is out and slashing, and he and Alliac are nearly surrounded by men with lances—spears—swords—knives—

I force myself to my knees, and then to my feet. Blood drips from my injuries and runs freely down my side, soaking my Whites and turning them a bright crimson—I clamp a hand over the sticky stab wounds and grit my teeth against the pain.

:Mindoc, tell Alliac they need to get out of here—:

The other stallion—Divya—has managed to coax Sorret up onto his back, and the girl is looking strangely—white and blue. In fact, she is beginning to blend in with his saddle and bride so well that the effect can only be due to a Gift of some sort. She is clutching his mane and leaning down to hide her eyes against his neck.

"Get out of here!" I shout. He snorts, ears back, and dances in place for a moment. His hooves and legs are smeared with blood and dirt. I grunt and make a harsh gesture toward the road beyond the trees. "Go! Now!"

He goes. Clumps of grass and dirt fly in his wake. One of the bandits makes a frantic grab for him on the way past—but misses by a wide margin, and falls back with empty hands. Divya and Sorret vanish up the road, heading back toward Haven, the Collegium, and salvation.

And I—

Ryley and Alliac won't leave. Mindoc is screaming at them—his mindvoice is so loud it hurts me to hear it, but Alli continues to dance and rear, and Ryley continues to try to ward off the bandits with his sword—

:Ryley, get out of here! GO!:

:I won't—:

Damn it! I stumble to Mindoc's side and try to heave myself into the saddle—but I'm feeling weak and tired.

Blood continues to pool at my feet and drip from Mindoc's ruined eye as I slip back to the ground and—almost stumble—catch myself—try to pull my own sword from its sheath—my fingers don't want to work, either, and things are starting to feel fuzzy and warm. It's not an entirely unpleasant feeling, to tell the truth.

Finally, Alliac can stay no longer. She doesn't want to leave us—that much is obvious—but she isn't willing to risk Ryley's life. She spins and sprints for the road, with Ryley clinging to her back and cursing—cursing the bandits—cursing her—cursing Divya—cursing Sorret—cursing Mindoc—cursing me—

:We're going for help, Teegan! Just hang on until then!:

The nearest town is only a mile up the road, but I won't last that long.

Mindoc is standing over me again, and I'm half-bent over, gasping for breath and feeling light headed. It's funny, but even though my side should still be hurting it isn't. The only reason I can even tell that I'm hurt is because of the ever-growing pool of blood under my feet and the sticky redness that is overtaking my Whites—

I'm tired, warm, numb—

Mindoc has his teeth bared, and is trying to warn off the bandits as they converge on us.

:Mindoc…:

I just want to tell him that I love him. That I'm so very glad he came into my life. That I can't imagine having lived without him. That I'm sorry for—

For what?

For everything.

I lean against his side, and it's warm. I can feel his breathing—his side heaves in and out with every breath. I can feel his heart, beating so fast it sounds as if it's trying to burst from his ribcage and escape his chest. I can feel his mind, so close to mine, a part of me, filled with fear and rage and desperation and—

The sapphire feeling, just like yesterday. My dying dreams are always like that—

Sparkle and shiver and—

Look: There is a man and he is dressed all in white and he is standing next to a white horse and the horse is a stallion and it is wearing blue tack and the horse has blue eyes and the man is resting one hand against its neck and there is no wind or cold or dark or pain and there is a silver light and it comes closer and it is blinding and the horse touches the man's cheek with its nose and it walks into the light and the man hesitates and then he steps forward and follows the horse and there is warmth and love and comfort and hope and—

The man is me.

End.

***